Bismillah: Asalamoalaykum warahmatullah,
I do not remember the last time I posted here and I do not remember what my last posts were about. I have been wanting to restart blogging regularly and it’s just not been happening. First I became a wife and then a mother, and in-between and after I became so many other things that I quickly forgot my true self-catharsis’ methodology was only through writing or blogging. I not only process my feelings through it but manage them as well. It is something crucial for my well-being. But I put my well-being on hold, almost dangerously entirely.
I am in a stage of life in which I am very very sad. It is grief of the highest level. I used to calm myself down thinking that Rasulalah salalahu ‘alayhi wasalam went through a Year of Grief. He lost his two support figures who were not just supportive figures but also individuals he truly and deeply loved. How massive of a grief that must’ve been. How massive of a year that had been. I consoled myself last year that perhaps it was my year too. A year of grief. Yet, a year has come and gone, but the sadness has entered to the very inner cores of my soul. It has intensified. SubhanAllah, I know there’s abundant khayr in it and I love thinking about Aasiya ‘alayhisalam in this time of grief. What I love the most is Allah swt’s intervention when her pain, her ordeal, did not stop. Allah swt blessed her a place in Paradise close to Him. What more can a slave want! SubhanAllah. This therefore shows that Allah swt values a slave’s emotions. The entire Quraan was revealed as a Message and as a consolation to the Prophet. When one thinks of this, one’s love for Allah swt helps one in one’s period of grief.
I also think of Imam al Bukhari (R) and how his contemporaries had made his life unbearable. A man who’s works are regarded as the most authentic compilation in Islamic academia after the Quraan. It is said he used to cry in his Salah towards the end of his life, begging Allah swt, and complaining to Him that this world has become very constricted for him so please let me live as long as You wish, thereby indirectly asking to return back to Allah swt. He passed away in few weeks time. Some accounts mention that almost the next Friday.
I was carrying my squirming, tantruming toddler all the way back home in my arms across a field and I looked up at the skies. It was about to rain. And the drizzle from the sky, triggered my own tears. Very desperate tears of a very weary body. My duaa resembled Imam al Bukhari’s but was of course wasn’t half as sincere.
Almost everything I looked at, was so painful.
Sometimes the world makes us feel that we are worthless. Like Rasulalah salalahu ‘alayhi wasalam was made to feel and many Prophets as well as Aasiya AS and many beautiful people. Yet, Allah swt knows their worth and after their death, because of their sincerity, Allah swt celebrates them. Allah swt makes an example of them. Allah swt makes them role models. Allah swt honors them, perpetually. Why? Because their sincerity led them to work in extraordinary ways. Their sincerity to Allah swt in their extraordinary circumstances made them accomplish extraordinary feats. They were sincere to Allah swt alone and not to ‘good’ circumstances only. What a consolation and what an inspiration!
I have decided to begin a new journey.I have decided to prove my sincerity to Allah swt through the work I want to pursue for His Sake. I have never longed to return back to Allah swt as much as I long today. However, I know my deeds are limited and I know I need to gather a bit before I am ready to rest.
This is a monumental decision for me because I had forgotten about me. I was made to believe that my spirituality does not matter. I had kind of believed a lot of those pre-Prophethood-like narratives for women. But not anymore…
I am going to try to get back to blogging inshaa’Allah as regular as I can be within my means. I am going to use every means possible to draw positive energy from inshaa’Allah. I am going to work hard until Allah swt intervenes. Harder than ever before. Make stronger duaas. Strive to do Ihsaan in every aspect to every human, especially the most stingy ones.
Let smallness of my means to amplify the amount of khayr I can contribute to the world around me.
Simply put, I am not going to waste a single second and become mentally resilient inshaa’Allah. I am not looking back inshaa’Allah. Nor am I going to fear for the future. Wa ‘alaAllahil tawakul al Mutawakileen is going to be my motto.
If you are going through a sad year, know that you’re not alone. Learn what you have to, gain wisdom and move on via the beautiful companionship of the Quraan. But I beg you, do not remain stagnant. Ever. Don’t let yourself become a puppet of Shaytaan in your time of sadness. Cling firmly onto the Quraan and the Sunnah! I know it is a very simplistic advice but what I mean is that turn to the advice given to sad people in the Quraan and Sunnah. Follow it with conviction. Tick all boxes. Don’t miss a single thing.
Alhamdolilah, I have begun my new journey by signing up with an online tazkiyah course. I will try to share the gems inshaa’Allah in upcoming posts.
Ending with the highest hope attached to Allah swt that Allah swt will make us all Muttaqeen and that He swt will pull us out of dhulumaat (many darknesses),
-Umm Ibraheem (a.k.a. Umm Sulaym)