بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
الحمد لله رب العالمين وصلى الله وسلم على رسول الله وعلى آله وأصحابه ومن اهتدى بهديه إلى يوم الدين
In life we go through stages, one after the other, which take us closer to our reality, i.e. the end. Those stages are accompanied by many different seasons, some refreshing, some harsh, some full of bright colours despite them itself not having any, while some being so colourless all of a sudden. Each having its unique aim but with one common underlying purpose and that is perfection of one’s tawheed. Meaning whatever you and I go through of the seasons, sometimes the vigorous, sometimes the gentle, ploughing of the heart entrenches deep with its every turn, deep within the heart’s core much more firmly: La ilaha illalah.
Last night was one such night. In one night, a season came, and a season departed.
With it, the process of perfection of my tawheed reached another higher level. Alhamdolilah. After a very very long time. Or maybe deprivation of such things feel light years away even though they aren’t…Allahu ‘Alam.
I felt like I was in a vortex, empty hollow space which seemed to have no beginning and I was reaching a point of despair that it was going to have no end. That death will seize me but this vortex was going to remain. Growing up, black holes fascinated me and I remember staring at the NASA images of outer space and day dreaming of one day becoming an astronaut. Those exact images flashed in front of me all this while and I was furiously moving my confused limbs in every direction to reach a foundation, to end this falling, to reach solid earth. Just somehow reach stability.
I knew not what to do.
I wanted my feet to reach the ground so that I could start walking in the right direction. I was desperate to walk in the right direction, to follow in the footsteps of those whom He loves. The longing never left me all these years. And when you’ve been longing for something for quite some while, your insides start to succumb and become weak. They dry up. Like any flower knows that it is its season to shrivel up, I too felt it somehow. I felt impending death more than growth.
But the beautiful thing about longing to Allah SWT is He SWT gives it to you. In a click. In a millisecond. It almost seems He SWT is watching you (which He is of course but the realization is intense) and that before the flicker of light in your heart disappears, He SWT responds. And He SWT rekindles the enthusiasm within you which you first had when you began practising as a Muslim.
So often, as wives, as daughters, as sisters, as best friends, in our struggle to choose the right things and remind…we forget our hearts. We forget our journeys. Some of us do not even have time to reflect and thus feel genuinely.
To feel and thus realize that we have a soul that’s struggling in that vortex.
I finally awoke to that reality last night.
I have no idea what I was praying for. I have no idea what this heart longed for. But I got it.
I felt stability under my feet.
How, one may ask.
Through the Qur’aan yet again.
That connection came to life, that eagerness, that desire to just do what is right and remove myself from all that is preventing me to do right. All of it came at once. What a welcome arrival of His rain in the long forgotten barren land! I felt the appreciation of kalimah grow in my heart. That flicker of light that was disappearing in the mad chase of I don’t know what – it lit up, with much more energy and warmth.
Sometimes we want to reach somewhere in our lives not materialistically but spiritually that we make gigantic goals and start chasing them like the heedless chase their dunia-based goals.
We forget to appreciate that while we should take the means, the Source of all means must be sought as well with an authentic emptiness and neediness. That is sincerity in its infancy. Seeking the Lord of the means before, during and after seeking the means. I learned last night what Taufeeq is. That He SWT brings forth the opportunity if you long it hard enough, sometimes not even having proper tawakul. Sometimes we may feel that we have the taufeeq to do good but in reality we don’t. The sweetness is taken out of it but most of us are generally deluded.
The whole experience made the kalimah the dearest thing to me again and the Qur’aan the biggest treasure ever such that my heart could not with-hold the happiness, the joy and the wholesomeness of the two blessings. I felt myself again.
My feet instantly felt ground under their feet. My heart knew, by His Guidance, where to take my feet…and I felt my du’aa that I had been unconsciously making was being answered…the mist was disappearing and today, a new day, I see much more clearly. Alhamdolilah
That duaa is within the beautiful ayahs which all of us recite, several times a day, but their value increased manifold and preciousness too…at least for me:
My heart whimpers making this request and I am satisfied once again. For this whimpering was something I was missing. Missing so terribly. Yeah that’s it. That is what I was missing. It’s back again. Alhamdolilah for the seasons which brought it back. Alhamdolilah.
As for happiness then no matter what we are given to play with, Ya Rabb, our hearts find no peace in anything except closeness to You.
You Alone. No one else.
The Only One who guided me and saved me from me. And put ground under my tired feet.
The Only One now I am eager to meet.
Truly, with every fiber of my being I proclaim and request everyone to right now proclaim:
أشهد أن لا إله إلا الله وحده لا شريك له وأشهد أن محمدا عبده ورسوله
O Allah SWT! Grant us richness and self-sufficiency through the guidance of Quraan. And bring forth for us the khayr in all we do and wish while keeping away the sharr. And please guide us to the path of those whom You are pleased with for we long to be like them so that we gain Your Closeness. Ya Mu’ti, make the Quraan our companion in this world, intercessor in our grave, and a means to raise our status with the best in the Akhira. Allow us to serve the Quraan. We are eager so help us use our eagerness towards all that is khayr. Ameen!